Banks to the River

Initially, when I wrote this, I was only going to post this on my personal Instagram page. However, the more I thought about it — the more I realized I should offer up this truth and perspective to a larger audience. Whether it helps one person struggling or a hundred, sharing my truth is important to me.

Let’s begin, shall we?

Yesterday, my therapist asked me if the #75HardChallenge had changed any of my relationships. If you’re not familiar with the #75HardChallenge, let me give you a little background. First, this 75-day plan was created by Andy Frisella, a motivational speaker, podcaster, author, and supplement company owner back in 2019. Still popular today, this challenge is supposed to be a “transformative mental toughness program.” Known for its six non-negotiable rules, which must be completed for 75 days straight, the #75HardChallenge says to:

• Stick to a diet, any diet
• Absolutely no alcohol or cheat meals allowed
• Complete two 45-minute workouts per day (one of them has to be outside, no matter the weather)
• Drink 4.5 liters of water each day
• Take a daily progress photo
• Read 10 pages of inspirational non-fiction each day

So, after sitting on the question of how the #75HardChallenge changed my relationships and processing it, I realized the most significant change in my relationship was my own relationship … with me.

Here are some of my rampant, honest thoughts:

First and foremost, my husband is my biggest cheerleader. He says a song represents his love for me — “Banks” by needtobreathe:

I wanna be there when the voices in your head

Are loud enough to make you lose your mind

Just the same when you’re dominating the day

I wanna be the one who’s by your side

You know my love is not the jealous type

It doesn’t matter if we win or lose

Oh, I could stay, or I could come no matter where you’re coming from

I can be the one to let you choose

I wanna hold you close but never hold you back

Just like the banks to the river

Finally, I feel loved and secure — even though there are still moments when the doubt sets in after years of brain conditioning. My husband’s love for me is through the lens of God’s grace. And that’s my love for him too. It’s unconditional, accepting the flaws, and solid like a rock. Even when each of us falls or fails, we know that the other will always be there. It’s not perfect but honestly, what is? And that imperfection and the open arms of that imperfection have allowed me space.

I have lived my entire life since I was about eight years old in “fight or flight” mode. It’s hard to trust anything or anyone when you’re in that frame of mind. Including yourself. Or even God.

Something you should know is that the women in my family lack the nurturing gene. Truly, it’s like it has genetically been passed down. We are brutally honest, but also loyal and dedicated AF. So when you’re missing the nurturing gene for others and you, you approach life, putting yourself down and brushing shit off.

I’ve spent most of my adult life in and out of therapy for my anxiety. There were seasons when it was crippling. Anyone who has suffered anxiety or panic understands those seasons — where you are fighting for your life to get through the day without the mind playing tricks with you and your body feeling like it’s ready to explode. In addition, with each season, I would work on my issues and be on my merry way. Wow, that’s great. I’m cured. Done.

No bitch no. Working through anxiety doesn’t work that way.

Additionally, If anything the #75HardChallenge taught me, it’s that I have emotional layers like an onion to peel away.

The weight I’ve accumulated protected me. Even as a kid, it was a hell of a lot easier being the funny chubby girl (even though I was never THAT chubby) than work through trauma or have my truth seen. Today, food is comforting and safe for me. And with each season of my life, I can see the pounds that came on protecting my emotional baggage. And so, as I take the weight off, I peel those emotional layers away — every day I’m getting closer to who I am meant to be. I told my therapist yesterday: “Jesus, I hope that I don’t get to the end of this road and talk about some woo-woo shit about my inner child.” It was then she said, “There’s no end of the road, Holly.”

Relationships are hard work. They are. We’re all busy and have a limited amount of time each day. I’m finding with this challenge that I have less time for friends and other “stuff.” The relationship I need to focus on the most right now is the one with myself, period. Truly, this challenge is no joke. It takes a lot of my time and space but what I’m realizing is the idea of “worth” and that I deserve it.

Recently, I saw this quote: “Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of everything.” There is no end to the road. The effort I put into nurturing and working on myself with amplify what I can give to others and even my projects too.

Thanks for allowing me to have the space to learn to love myself.